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Protected: peace as friends…
Protected: rethinking
Faithful
there`s a word to this summer. it`s faithful.
why? hmmm…well, this has been one of the first summers w/ no classes so most of my time was devoted 2 work & ministry. wow, did God really take opportunity of this & break my summer down, not w/ activities, but w/ faith. He wanted 2 know “marchesa, how are you gonna learn to trust me this summer? i think you`re ready…so here it goes…hold fast my beloved…i`m taking you to a deeper understanding of me, i`m excited, so guard fast your heart & open your eyes & ears. Be aware of what i’m doing.”
God really allowed me 2 see the isolation of my faith this summer thru all that He`s placed before me. I wish i could just list it all as evidence before my reader, but i won`t. (AA doesn`t give me such a priviledge, 2eprops for xanga). hahah…but God in all of His grace let me search 4 the secrets He`s lovingly set before me this summer, & the search wasn`t all pleasant nor easy…yet the harder i fought in determination 2 find Him, the sweeter the revelation. wow. God loves those who seek Him.
the question is, have you sacrificed to seek Him?
“Ruthless Trust”
I’ve been reading “ruthless trust” by Brennan Manning because this lacks in me.
With coffee in hand to defeat fatigue, I was resolved to learn about the application of this so called trust in 181 pages. The text seems obscure, and at times I just want a copy of “ruthless trust, kindergarten version” so I don’t have to think too much, just gain the wisdom it’s offering, but this impatience has taught me the path to God isn’t easy. Darn.
The last thing I highlighted was this:
“Anyone that God uses significantly is always deeply wounded.”
why?
When i was 13, in my innocence of God’s molding, I stumbled upon a devotion in my daily bread with the last statement having a lasting state in my mind. I have no recollection of what the devotion was about, but I remember the words bolded at the bottom.
“God never uses a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply.”
This upset me so much because i wondered how a loving God would want to hurt his beloved- a beloved who would be an instrument to His glory. “Funny how there are some things that just stick out in your memory”, one of my patients repeats occasionally. Well, growing up, that statement has stayed so close to me and still stays in vivid replay in me. In the hardest times of my life, that has been a source of hope for me, somewhat a hopeful resignation that the sorrows collected will transform into joys given out.
You see, what we’ve been through teaches us to identify with the rest of the body who ails from similar wounds. We cannot teach the rest of the world about God’s peace when we have never been through the storm. We cannot promote forgiveness when we’ve never been utterly hurt from someone we love. We can never affirm God’s love when we ourselves have never been heartbroken. It is through our sorrows and arrows that romance us to God, not just the blessings and sunshine. Even through the loneliest times of our lives, God has prepared the glorious lesson waiting for our awareness. God teaches us to rejoice in our scars…let your scars be your medals…because it is evidence of your faith. They are minor sacrifices compared to the greater purpose for Christ.
So when things seem dim, when your heart beats in merely routine and not for the joy of living, take comfort that God is romancing you through it all. God expects the scars…when we reach the throne of heaven, God doesn’t expect you to hand Him a full untainted heart; He reserves His affections for the heart that has been torn, tried, and thirsty for rest.
after birthday
today, i woke up and sat on my bed. the first thing i did was smile and pray for you.
thank you for taking me out for my birthday…and for not taking me out on the actual day, but the day after it. dun ask me why this made a difference to me, but somehow, in words i don’t want to try to describe, it has.
what i appreciated was when you tapped my head while i was curled near you…hiding from the unexpected thriller of “Signs”.
what i admired was your calmness when i told you about how i felt that night about my disturbance with information you witheld from me. i wish there was a way i could capture your expression that nite in my LG cell phone.
there are so many things i want to say to you, but i’m gonna have to wait until God allows me to open the floodgates. there are so many things i want to tell you and reveal about myself. i can only pray tho that you can accept me…never have i been scared for someone to know me, because i just don’t want to lose you.
something i’ve never thot of before:
what if i lost you?
what if tomorrow you weren’t in my life? what if you were to leave permanently? would i try to hold on to you and tell you everything i feel? everything about me? every piece of hope i’ve been building for us?
Convo…
deleon82: me, jen, and mel went to dinner tonite
deleon82: and we were talking about you
Mryntte: what were you saying?
deleon82: just how much we take you for granted
deleon82: AWE!
deleon82: marchesa!
Post-Birthday…um…Post
okeys, i think it’s safe to say that my birthday is over. i can write about this year’s celebration.
not too much celebration. no cake. no presentation. no candles. no loud announcement.
but God really blessed me yesterday cuz of all the greetings i’ve received. i realized that it wasn’t the number of people i’ve blessed, but the number of people who have blessed me…cuz those who i expected to call- when they didn’t call at the time i thot they would, it would prick me in slight disappointment…and it made me realize their importance in my life that i would be affected of their remembrance of me. i got an email tonite from annie and miss mae…and they replied to the whole group from an email i sent them a weeks and weeks ago…what they said was moving…
_____________________________________________ AMEN SISTA! hehehhe….i agree with Merry_Mae! I do miss you all…reading Chesa’s email made me cry…..you know with that lump in your throat kinda thing…i know we’re all growing older but part of me still wishes those days can come back again…….perhaps it will someday…you know when we’re all in a nursing home together with our walkers and diapers…hahahhaha..as paul t. suggested!!! we can be roomates again…in the nursing home!!!! anywho…..i miss you all and keep you all very close to my heart!
love, anne
“Mae G.” wrote: friends, in response to chesa’s cathartic……see picture below. It’s true…I still miss the days…when we worked and lived so closely with one another…I do still wonder if God could really give me something better than our RU days/FIC days/Neilson days/Courtlandt days/anydays with you. it’s hard i think. but i haven’t quite found anything the same or better? i have a lump in my throat now…I love you guys. Christ was our eternal glue with each other…and it always will be…see you here..see you there…see you when… mae
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My Everydearest Bro’s and Sista’s in Christ,
Yes, I agree with our Merry Mae and Msgulay… and our dearest Che Che that God has blessed us. I was looking at my Friendsaver and I couldn’t put it down…all the letters and pictures of you guys (even if you didn’t get to sign my book, I still have picts and letters from you…Oh and picts.of you I took when you weren’t looking) I love you. Even if we are not together, you are all constantly in my thoughts. And to my dear Rey and Paul Paul, thank you for the phone call, it made me smile.
Love, Rille.
Post Scriptum, I remember when I was in Paul Paul’s room and he took my camera (after I came in as a surprise and took a pict. or him), and Chesa came to hold me down while Paul took picts of us. Random thought but it still makes me smile and think, wow, I’m so lucky.
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